**This is your warning, this note has the potential to piss you off, this is my opinion. And if you send me yours, feel assured that I will read the first two words before hitting the “delete” button if I don’t agree with it. This is my opinion, you are entitled to yours, but I am not obligated to read your unsolicited opinion. If you want me to read your thoughts, start your own damn blog and hope I read it.
Let’s start, in autosports you will meet several type of folks, most of them are cool. Some of them are douchebags on some unjustifiable level. If you meet this douche, as a member of the automotive industry, I apologize we are not all like that. Also there are exceptions to every rule, this is no different. This is just a small amount of people that you will meet.
1. Ricer/In it for the Puzzay!
This douchebag will roll in with ’98 turboed honda civic and swear up and down he can beat new Stingray from a dead start. His hair will be oddly shaped, due to skull deformation that has sustained from all the bass from his stereo. Speaking of stereo, he will blasting noise during the most inappropriate times of your life. For example: at night, I hope you like Wiz Khalifa exclaiming something about black and yellow while you are sleeping. During the Day, because little Jimmy doesn’t know what the word “fuck” means yet, so Douchey blares it outside of a elementary school playground so Jim can tell his great aunt what he learned today at school. Your Grandmother’s funeral, because she loved dubstep. Your wedding, 99 problems by Jay Z starts playing during your vows. He will have enough stereo to bog down all of his potentially increased horsepower (which is minimal, by the way), the car will be slower than what it started out with, but make more noise than the start to a NASCAR starting grid. By the way, they are at the forefront of safety, “your tercel makes 300 hp and you are using stock brakes?” All I am saying is hope that they aren’t at full bore when the start braking for the light with your car in front of them.
Exceptions: you see that guy with a Toyota Supra, RX7, a roll cage and a normally shaped head? Don’t fuck with that guy.
2. Autocross guy
There are two types to these guys, the young guy and the old guy. The young guy is Obi Wan, the old guy is Yoda. Listen carefully to both, they couldn’t care which car you brought, somebody brought a shittier car and still KICKING YOUR ASS. Obi Wan is new to Jedi order, he knows the ways of the force, but he still has a lot to learn. He becomes Ben Kenobi when finally buys that old shitty Fiat and Frankensteins it by putting a brand new Honda SI engine in it.
Yoda is the man you want to be, he has been under and a behind a steering wheel since fuel injection was invented (hint, it was way before the ’80s). His lightsaber is something you never heard of (or an E30 BMW), he has turn every bolt in the car at least 4 times. The chassis is stiffened to the point that during heavy g forces the ground under the car buckles, not his car or him. He is helpful and if you listen to every word he has to say and take it to heart you will drop at least 2 seconds off your lap time.
Exceptions: See that asshole with a new corvette or porsche? He’s an asshole, good to go drinking with, though.
3. Guy who huffs freon.
He huffs freon, that is why he is around cars.
Exceptions: when he does meth, he really mellows out.
4. Racing gearhead
If you are into NASCAR, Formula 1, DTM, WEC, WRC, TUDOR etc. I guess I am in this group. This person will defend his sport with a fervor. But there is a fine line to these guys that separates us into two groups. One set of guys will defend their sport with logic by using physics, design and other rational arguments. The other will say “the wrecks in my sport is more awesome!” We will ignore the latter. We can tell you former and current champions and teams. We can explain the physics and design of our cars. And finally what kind of racing your gonna see during a good weekend. We really don’t have beef with each other favorite series, we like cars, and we like them to go fast, period.
Exception: If you are a fan of Pastor Maldonado, then go fuck yourself. Do you know what people like him has done to racing as a sport? He has ruined the chances of a driver who get to the big show by merit and not by money.